shared fate

my fathers sister died when he was six
my grandmother lost her first child
she blamed my father for her death
he had the measles first
they kept him from the funeral
said he was too young to attend
he knew she was too young to die
he told me about it over dinner once
i never knew my dad could cry
nor that one day I would share his fate
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
sad eyes
full of heartache
in his passion were his tears
in his love he had anger
he never did forgive the world
i know this now
i feel it now
as my anger builds
and my heartache becomes stronger
i recount his years
i understand who he was
why he was
sad eyes
full of heartache
entrenched in love, in passion and in laughter
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
who knew one day I would share his fate

trapped like a bug

a trapped bug in my room
its in a frenzy
as if its dying to get out
wonder if it would actually die to get out
but then it would die in the place it tried to leave
why not just make due
find a corner and call it home
wonder what i would do to get out
wonder if i want to
sometimes i think i would do just about anything
other times i could never consider leaving
trapped in my room
in a frenzy
as if im dying to get out
what would i do
do i just make due
have i
have you

a clairvoyant once told me

Once I visited a clairvoyant
he told me you would never marry
this struck me as odd but not unbelievable
so i told you about it
you said 'really?'
I hear you saying it now
i think it struck you as odd also
I wonder how it made you feel
did it make you contemplate your life
did you think about it in the months before you died
how about the day you found the beautiful wooden cross outside of creamers apartment
or afterwards when you wore it to bed and drempt of Dad
Did you know then, George, that you were going to die?
That you wouldn't marry?
Is that why you went alone
to El Salvador
to the land of the divine savior
could you have known that was your passage
what drove you into the ocean that day
they told you not to go
did you see him
was there a light
did you see his arms in that wave
the one that carried you home

work in progress..but i love it so far

I guess i should thank you
for taking me here
my soul is on fire
im in hell inside out
raw with emotion
crushed wtih defeat
under water
i cant breathe
i rage at the thought of you
you've forced me to see
In blindness i've been living
eyes wide shut
you've ripped off my mask
everything is perfectly lit
you've forced me to see
all i've been hiding
pretending I'm at peace

I guess i should thank nyou
for taking me here
sadly however, i loathe you
you've abandoned me
my soul is on fire
i'm in hell inside out
under water
i cant breathe
im in hell inside out
for all i see

inches

an inch away
from you and me
an inch away
so i can breathe
for if we lose
that inch away
i'll be closer
not further away
but should i lose
your heart or mine
one more inch of pain i'll find
keep your distance
but keep me close
hold my gaze
my hand the most

it failed

why is it that the things i want to work out, dont
the minute i say i'm open, a door shuts in my face
has it all become so insignificant that i cant even play?
or do i play too hard?

Why is it that i decided to love you
and you left me like a lie
the words you spoke
fell silent to the ground
like raindrops on a lake
beautiful until they disappear into the water
meant for greatness as they fall
to nothing when they take shape

why is it that when i decide to care
you stopped caring
what made you run?
the only picture i have of you is you walking away
moments of passion flash before my eyes
then quickly disappear
my subconscious carries them away
the disappointment too difficult to withstand
my mind knows this
for it knows me well

why is it that you left me?
do i really care?
or is it being here alone that i cant stand

running raw

running raw
my legs
my mind
i've got nothing to hide
i let go to run
if i stop, i mask it
the pain brings me closer to you

you are my pain
my love
my loss
associated
created
with you
by you

i need you to live
in this shape
its all i know
to live any other way would be a lie
life is full of lies
in strangers i meet
the false promise i receive
but in this love, this loss
is truth

it is honest
it is raw
it is the only love i know

a description of how this shall begin or end.. you judge

june ended in a circle.. a water bearer, a lion, a scorpian and a half horse thing who's legs should be chopped off.. the shark bit the lion.. the water bearer was out of air.. the scorpian exuded peace and trust and the horse ran for the hills.. a circle... one leg hanging over the edge..