poetry

my hands draw words that pour from my heart into space to reveal my minds wishes and wonders.. my soul is aligned within a realm only i understand..often i contemplate how and if i move you

i am where i belong

I doze in thoughts of you and wake to the sound of your voice. I visualize a world i have never seen, never known.. perhaps never to.. I wonder how it will be.. words like hope and faith keep me in the clouds only until reality pulls me to the ground and stomps on my head. In the distance I see a bright familiarity but it fades in and out. When i shut my eyes i see mountains and green trees.. i see two chairs rocking and sounds of wind.. i hear voices of small things .. little things.. children i presume and their laughter resonates in my space.. i shudder and wonder.. i wait in space .. my space and i am alone in thoughts and dreams and in angst at times, peace at others.. i repeat my mantra.. i am where i belong.. my destiny will come to be when the time is right.. or perhaps this is it.. this is where i will die and those around me with say 'this was her destiny' to be alone in dreams.. in space.. in her time.. in the meantime, i wait and i hope and i dream for the beginning and for the end and for everything in between

darkness transforms

In lightness I am blind with fear
In darkness I see hope
clearer than the cleanest glass
Dreamlike and silent
Intertwinded, I am spellbound
Remove the devil from within my skin and bring flames to my flesh
shed my tears until the ocean is all I hear and the sky is covered in blue and stars become my eyes
drive the devil to his death, rid my soul of his hold
cure my pain
In lightness I am blind with fear
In darkness I see hope
Dreamlike and quiet you uninhibit me
Far beyond these walls I see shadows of light
create images of hope and the ocean is all i hear
the sky is covered in blue
my soul is free and i move with you in symetry

liars and thieves

Remember when we first met?
Nothing could tear us apart
but soon, i learned I didnt know how to be myself around you
and you weren't yourself around me
I lied and you stole and you tensed when I spoke
and when i cried you retreated
when i laughed you mocked me
Remember when we first met?
Nothing could tear us apart
Keep the drive alive you sang over and over
I picked out our linens
You introduced me to all your friends
But when I tensed you retreated
and when I lied you stole
and I cried and you mocked
and for a long time we lived in silence
until that day I left
I still remember the day we met
My gut told me to run
but stayed and eventually I made you cry

what is enough

For the moment all I have to give are words. Do they resonate your being and keep your faith alive or will they fall to the floor like drops of tears streaming from my cheeks. Who started the war between our hearts and virtue. Who broke the barrier between being and survival of separation. Who dared awaken the dragon and released him from his cage.

I am in the den of a lion. I tread in waters too deep to stand. For the moment all I have to give are words. Will my love fall short on deaf ears. You are surrounded by desire. Miles and miles away I ponder and pray they will leave you be. I silently beg for you to wait. In my kitchen of noise, my breath fails me, too deep in thought to understand my fear. Take me back, I scream inside, to the beginning or banish me from my fate. Amidst my longing and my pain I see my three little wishes and yet I can not stop my quest. To be or not to be. Who will get what they need and who will suffer at my hand. Still, I beg, please don't go . Stay and wait.. I have so much to give

I am scathed and I am bruised and the fight has only just begun. For the moment all I have to give are words. Will you hear them or will you let them disappear into the wind. Don't lose my gaze. I have so much to give. If only it was yesterday before I gathered up my three little wishes but, for now they will never leave me and it is me who can not leave them. For the moment all I have to give are words. Do they resonate your being and keep your faith alive or will they fall to the floor like drops of tears streaming from my cheeks.

Cycle of Broken Dreams

Lifes got a weird way of going on when all you want it to do is stop for a moment so you can gather your thoughts.. To remember what it was like when things weren’t the way they are now. The way you expected them to be.. the way you wanted them to be but didn’t realize it until they weren’t any longer. When everything fit together like a puzzle and breathing was easy..But times do change and people leave.. involuntary.. sometimes of their own free will.. disappear into the world of the unknown.. or just disappear.. things change..simple as that.. and life goes on and we reflect.. but reflection causes pain and not thinking causes nothing.. nothing equals empty.. but what’s wrong with being empty anyway.. what’s wrong with nothing.. who says we have to have ties? Why? Why hold on to things that change.. what happens now won’t change what happened then.. and then is just a memory.. And we remember and we cry and we hope for peace in our souls. A cycle of broken dreams..

Back to what it was

I watched it close, the flower that is. Little by little the drops of water from the rain disappeared into its core. And the once blooming bud slowly shut. The lightness which had become its center was swallowed up by its shell.. seemingly never to return. That’s what it looked like anyway. The deep redness we saw to be its color as a bud took shape once again, but this time the red was darker and wilted at its edges. brown and shriveled.. looking sad and alone.. I tried to imagine how it felt. To have become something so wildly beautiful, to have blossomed, to have taken a new, more mature shape. Hopeful and imaginative, seeing its future in a whole new light. This metamorphosis into adulthood and then, just like that, to digress back to what it was before, lost and small. But was I wrong? Had it happened overnight or is that how it felt.. was the transition to and from equal in time. Could it have been? What did it matter, it was over.. it was back to what it was.. I wondered how long its memory would hold its last state or if it would quickly trick itself back to before it knew grandeur and happiness, when it was full. I couldn’t imagine this happening to me. I didn’t want to imagine it but sadly the more I thought about it and the more I did the math, the more I realized I was there myself. I had blossomed. I had taken a glorious shape. I was part of it all and then just like that I was gone.. back to where I was before. The worst part of it all was that you were gone too. The dream of you, that was gone. And the answers to my questions were drops of rain on this page. I wiped my tears on my sleeve and I tried to listen closely to the background noise but I couldn’t hear a thing. The music was gone. You were gone, we were gone, I was gone. All that was left was the color red like a letter. So I did what I knew best, I sat alone in my place and I wrote this song.. waiting for the memories to fade

soul mate

I imagined it would happen in this way. A crowded room full of friends and strangers alike. Mingling words, unobservant of their meaning. Entranced by my thoughts, my chimerical mind recounting moments that sped my heart to its limits. Harmoniously unaware of worlds colliding around me tonight, I stare blankly at the creaking lacquered floors beneath my leather bound soles. Wonderously, I foreshadow my next dream. My presense here only in body. The physical distance between us substantiated this reality quite often. However, now I am awakened by a cold breeze against my shoulder. I shudder but feel warm. As if my broekn soul is on the mend. I look up and for a second am blinded. My dream before me. Our eyes meet and my heart stops. The lights above flicker. A smile covers my face. I walk towards you. Your embrace I feel next. Together now, was if we've never been apart.

The way it was

My clarity as to how it began is a bit uncertain. Too absorbed by the emotion to clearly understand its intensity. How friendship became intrigue and intrigue flipped a switch creating an open road of honesty and hope or how hope stole love and left us desperately in need of each other. How fluidity began a melody so serene and charismatic that obsession and temptation ate an entire orchard of budding apples leaving only our core. A rawness of discovery so deep and natural that to back away from it now would be punishably just in the world of eroticism. In a fervor similar to a needle penetrating ink deep beneath our skin in a color of the deepest black and blue and red causing damage immeasurable beyond repair.

I wait for you to find me again and again. The story continues over and over and I hope and pray it never ends. The repetition of words does not sour. They do not stray. Words do not fall short at their ends or disappear. They become stronger and brighter and more beautiful. They flow, they walk, they run to me, to you. Through the air and in the sky, clouds breathe this matter across ponds and tunnels and space. My words flow on this page and I cannot stop. I am illuminated and overbearing in my own thoughts. I am frightened by the power over me. You hear me, I know. You see me, I know... You and i are one, I know..

Long After The Separation

Do you think we'll forget, long after the separation that our hearts no longer belong to us. Long after you've returned to where it is you came from, do you think you'll remember that my heart still lives inside you and yours in mine. When either skips a beat, think we'll understand it is the shortness of breath across a world of someone silently losing life. Silently dying of a broken heart. Do you think we'll forget what love feels like, that an expression can be magnified by trust and understanding. Do you think we'll forget the pleasure we once created through embrace, through shed skin. How your core enticed me, your words illuminated me, your mind captured me and your eyes released me into our world, our freedom, ourselves to a place where we moved in ryhthm of my water and your air and fire didn't stand a chance. Think we'll forget that distance didn't severe us, circumstance did. do you think we'll forget that we can never love this way again before all hope is devoured or that we can never be free without each other, shackled by time, jaded by decisions. Do you think we'll forget each other one day..long after the separation.

the abandoners

The abandoners

What happened to us isn’t right
The way we just disappeared
One so soon after the other
It isn’t fair that a family of five can be three just like that
Or that I’m supposed to erase the emergency contact from my passport
The instruction was to use pencil
Now I know why
So I crossed out his number and I wrote ocean and next to that I wrote go fish
He is in the ocean after all
I use the words involuntary abandonment when I describe myself to myself at my weakest moments
They didn’t ask to leave me
They just did
It wasn’t their will to die
But they died
Their joint tombstone should read ‘abandoners’
Of daughter, of sister, mother, brother and friend
Do my words sound harsh
They ought to
This is me encased in self pity
Why should I suffer?
I suppose my tombstone should read ‘unwilling to believe in death'
Couldn’t accept the fact that they left her to she drowned herself in her own self pity
Sometimes I feel better than you
Because my pain is bigger than yours
I mock you in these moments and I feel special
But I know I am not special
The world is death
It is life and it is death
And all the world dies
In rage and in anger it falls aways
Sometimes in peace and hope
But new blood always blooms
When my self pity disappears I feel lucky
For peace was your ending
But still, in my world, no one dies
In my bubble of dreams we are all safe from the sky
I wish you hadn’t popped my bubble
Remind me not to thank you… Ever
Even after I remove the forks from my eyes and return to a state of understanding , I will still have no regard for you at all because what happened to us, isn’t right
The way we just disappeared
Because in my world, no one dies, in my bubble of dreams we are all safe from the sky and this, this is all just one big, fat lie.

Subway Ride

My memories are few
And they are far between..
But they are vivid and they are strong
And they’re mostly you

Like that subway ride
You’re in a navy pinstripe suit
You always looked so handsome, so confident
Around your neck, the playful Hermes tie I bought you for your 35th
I was always so proud to be by your side

And in this moment, you’re on the phone
Chatting away to someone on the other end
Closing a deal I gather

My funny faces finally get your attention
You smile, I giggle
Check.. I’ve made my brother laugh
And when you’re done we talk

About life and love and all things good
That’s the way we always were
Short and sweet and to the point
The depth was understood

And in this ride we discuss Michael, our brother and his upcoming nuptiuals
Michaels getting married first, we both laugh
Can you believe it ‘I say’
Who would have thought…

For the rest of the ride we’re silent
In our own aquarium thoughts
And I feel safe and im happy
Im with my big brother

This is a typical subway ride for this sister and her brother
Had I known it would be our last, I’d had ridden in that subway car forever

the scorpian

into your eyes
i look
my words form
i speak
soulful
real
you hear me
you understand
hold my gaze
breathe
the intensity sparks my thoughts
words flow
you entrance my mind
i feel
no fear
everything i say is true
everything i say i believe
i'm me
I know you
from somewhere else
in someone else
stranger
but closer
come inside
my head
my self
be here
for now
peace

Namaste

aware and present
the theme of today
your friends were there
in class
a nice surprise
i thought of you
the time we shared a practice
you were good
i see it so clearly
you were good at everything

change

aware and present
the theme of today
i acknowledge you are no longer with us
i lose my pose
i see your face
your eyes
your smile

change

aware and present
the theme of today
i try and run
i am stuck in tree
how can i feel this pain
dont make me feel this pain
aware yes, but not of you
present yes, but not in here
my mouth opens
out with my breath

change

aware and present
the theme of today
no one likes a quitter
come back
breathe out the pain
let in the hope
breathe out the tears
let in the love

change

I begin again
I am present
I am aware
I am with you

Namaste

under the stars in new york city

a room with black floors
flickers of light
i move to the corner
close enough now to hear you breathe
in an embrace you speak
your vunerability you say, i can not feed it
i have nothing for you but this
for me, I say with a question
I have not asked for a thing
but your honesty is accepted
expected
come closer
uninhibit me
take me out of me
for now
I am in now
be here with me
lost in this moment
higher
stronger
faster
rest
close to me a stranger lies
you have nothing to give me
i have nothing to hide
stripped of vunerability
I have never felt more at home

untitled - this poem came about after reading Deanna's status update.. the first paragraph is hers as is every other till the last line. hers as well

I will write over the lines you speak and speak over the lines you write and change the meaning of your silence and blank pages

For silence is full of words and blank pages scream in color. Your words have been erased from my page. The silence sits stagnant by my ear. In my head, all the nothing comes together. Thoughts blind my eyes

No longer able to see a trace of your pen upon my paper skin, I forget that you once designed my being and defined my everything

I find solace in the unknown road before me. The lines that are my skin will be my guide. Behind me, the path becomes unfamiliar as i fade forward. Ahead I see hope

Hope is all i need to disappear slowly and begin again

Written by Katie Chatzopoulos and Deanna Culbreth

shared fate

my fathers sister died when he was six
my grandmother lost her first child
she blamed my father for her death
he had the measles first
they kept him from the funeral
said he was too young to attend
he knew she was too young to die
he told me about it over dinner once
i never knew my dad could cry
nor that one day I would share his fate
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
sad eyes
full of heartache
in his passion were his tears
in his love he had anger
he never did forgive the world
i know this now
i feel it now
as my anger builds
and my heartache becomes stronger
i recount his years
i understand who he was
why he was
sad eyes
full of heartache
entrenched in love, in passion and in laughter
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
who knew one day I would share his fate

trapped like a bug

a trapped bug in my room
its in a frenzy
as if its dying to get out
wonder if it would actually die to get out
but then it would die in the place it tried to leave
why not just make due
find a corner and call it home
wonder what i would do to get out
wonder if i want to
sometimes i think i would do just about anything
other times i could never consider leaving
trapped in my room
in a frenzy
as if im dying to get out
what would i do
do i just make due
have i
have you

a clairvoyant once told me

Once I visited a clairvoyant
he told me you would never marry
this struck me as odd but not unbelievable
so i told you about it
you said 'really?'
I hear you saying it now
i think it struck you as odd also
I wonder how it made you feel
did it make you contemplate your life
did you think about it in the months before you died
how about the day you found the beautiful wooden cross outside of creamers apartment
or afterwards when you wore it to bed and drempt of Dad
Did you know then, George, that you were going to die?
That you wouldn't marry?
Is that why you went alone
to El Salvador
to the land of the divine savior
could you have known that was your passage
what drove you into the ocean that day
they told you not to go
did you see him
was there a light
did you see his arms in that wave
the one that carried you home

work in progress..but i love it so far

I guess i should thank you
for taking me here
my soul is on fire
im in hell inside out
raw with emotion
crushed wtih defeat
under water
i cant breathe
i rage at the thought of you
you've forced me to see
In blindness i've been living
eyes wide shut
you've ripped off my mask
everything is perfectly lit
you've forced me to see
all i've been hiding
pretending I'm at peace

I guess i should thank nyou
for taking me here
sadly however, i loathe you
you've abandoned me
my soul is on fire
i'm in hell inside out
under water
i cant breathe
im in hell inside out
for all i see

inches

an inch away
from you and me
an inch away
so i can breathe
for if we lose
that inch away
i'll be closer
not further away
but should i lose
your heart or mine
one more inch of pain i'll find
keep your distance
but keep me close
hold my gaze
my hand the most

it failed

why is it that the things i want to work out, dont
the minute i say i'm open, a door shuts in my face
has it all become so insignificant that i cant even play?
or do i play too hard?

Why is it that i decided to love you
and you left me like a lie
the words you spoke
fell silent to the ground
like raindrops on a lake
beautiful until they disappear into the water
meant for greatness as they fall
to nothing when they take shape

why is it that when i decide to care
you stopped caring
what made you run?
the only picture i have of you is you walking away
moments of passion flash before my eyes
then quickly disappear
my subconscious carries them away
the disappointment too difficult to withstand
my mind knows this
for it knows me well

why is it that you left me?
do i really care?
or is it being here alone that i cant stand

running raw

running raw
my legs
my mind
i've got nothing to hide
i let go to run
if i stop, i mask it
the pain brings me closer to you

you are my pain
my love
my loss
associated
created
with you
by you

i need you to live
in this shape
its all i know
to live any other way would be a lie
life is full of lies
in strangers i meet
the false promise i receive
but in this love, this loss
is truth

it is honest
it is raw
it is the only love i know

a description of how this shall begin or end.. you judge

june ended in a circle.. a water bearer, a lion, a scorpian and a half horse thing who's legs should be chopped off.. the shark bit the lion.. the water bearer was out of air.. the scorpian exuded peace and trust and the horse ran for the hills.. a circle... one leg hanging over the edge..

a sad reality

the things that disappear are the things i've held so dear
hard to keep them close when losing them is all i fear
no happy medium
no resolution in sight
i walk away
i lose the fight
what i need closest to me
to rid my pain
i shun and swallow
i prefer tears to rain

i know this much is true

its fairly easy to be happy when i know clearly how bad sad feels..

457 Days

Sometimes I wish time would stop and i could live in this very moment.. sometimes because im so happy and having so much fun.. and other times i wish this because the more days that pass is one day longer than i havent seen you..

x marks the spot

I know with certainty that March 14th will come every year. I know with finality that my brother died on that date in 2009. I know he was doing what he loved. I know he drowned. I do not know if he suffered nor di I ever see him again after michaels wedding. if i did i dont remember.. help jog my memory. I texted him before he left and we laughed about cortizone cream.. I wished him well. He texted Michael a song they shared when they surfed together. I do not know what crossed his mind as he died.. before he died.. after he died

one year without george march 13 2010

I thought for sure I would have something profound to say. A way of expressing how I feel one year after George's tragic death but, the conclusion I've come to as to why I do not is fairly simple. The feeling of loss of someone so special, my brother, is better left suppressed and unfelt. I try sometimes to allow the pain to set in but its just too much. I can not express the pain. The loss of him in my life. the loss of his life and his future. The lack of children to carry on his name. The lack of wife to cherish. The success he was forming.. taken.. Those few things only begin to express the loss of George. I have few memories in my head that I play back over and over. Sometimes they make me laugh until I cry and other times they strike a pain so deep beacause I want more. Call me selfish but I want more of George. He should have more of us. I imagine he does since that is all i have left.. my imagination.. brother..

Lifes Essential

Until I learn to walk alone
Make a place to call my home
Feed my soul with all thats good
I can not love you like I should

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

In times of need I must stand tall
Until I learn to feed my soul
With seeds of grace
At a healthy pace

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

honest in april

I can not tell you what I wouldn't do
But I can tell you what I havent done
And one thing is for sure
I can not rid the frightening images in my head
I will tell you all the things I've still left to do
But not the events I choose to hide
The numbness I hold on to
And the fear I've left behind
I can tell you what I've never seen
I can tell you why I can not hide
But that my friends would be a blasphemous lie
I contradict my every word
For I have fear that blinds my eyes
But I can still feel joy
I even laugh until I cry
The world is my engagement
Strangers keep me sane
My family I hold on to
By breath is not in vain

The End of an era
My unsettled heart
The wonder
The pleasure
The forgotten start
Forever my never
Your unwielding cry
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye
The end of a romance
The bitter heart aches
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye