one year without george march 13 2010

I thought for sure I would have something profound to say. A way of expressing how I feel one year after George's tragic death but, the conclusion I've come to as to why I do not is fairly simple. The feeling of loss of someone so special, my brother, is better left suppressed and unfelt. I try sometimes to allow the pain to set in but its just too much. I can not express the pain. The loss of him in my life. the loss of his life and his future. The lack of children to carry on his name. The lack of wife to cherish. The success he was forming.. taken.. Those few things only begin to express the loss of George. I have few memories in my head that I play back over and over. Sometimes they make me laugh until I cry and other times they strike a pain so deep beacause I want more. Call me selfish but I want more of George. He should have more of us. I imagine he does since that is all i have left.. my imagination.. brother..

Lifes Essential

Until I learn to walk alone
Make a place to call my home
Feed my soul with all thats good
I can not love you like I should

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

In times of need I must stand tall
Until I learn to feed my soul
With seeds of grace
At a healthy pace

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

honest in april

I can not tell you what I wouldn't do
But I can tell you what I havent done
And one thing is for sure
I can not rid the frightening images in my head
I will tell you all the things I've still left to do
But not the events I choose to hide
The numbness I hold on to
And the fear I've left behind
I can tell you what I've never seen
I can tell you why I can not hide
But that my friends would be a blasphemous lie
I contradict my every word
For I have fear that blinds my eyes
But I can still feel joy
I even laugh until I cry
The world is my engagement
Strangers keep me sane
My family I hold on to
By breath is not in vain

The End of an era
My unsettled heart
The wonder
The pleasure
The forgotten start
Forever my never
Your unwielding cry
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye
The end of a romance
The bitter heart aches
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye

Polite Chatter

When you look at me
Am I what you see?
Or a situation that you've painted
When you ask me why
My tears are dry
Do you wonder what's inside me
When you see the puzzle that is my skin
Do you wonder what might have caused it
If you had to paint a somber tale
What color would you work with
Would you paint it grey
For red would fade
Or orange
Will it no longer work for you?
That simple song
You heard today
Do you wonder why he wrote it
Ask yourself
Do you really care
Because that blank stare
When I start share
I wonder if you see me

I found this in my word docs.. i read it and shuddered

Masked by my pain
Little, tiny and white
With a swallow, a bite
Cover me with porcelain
Hide my brittle face
Closer than the obstacle
Blue won't be disgraced

I know this much is true

That sadly, you have to lose something to learn something
That as much time that passes, the memory of someone loved never fades
That the pain never really goes away, you just get used to it
To have faith in a higher power is comforting, even enlightening but, sometimes it feels useless and silly
That the smell of fresh air brings a smile to my face and briskness, early in the morning, can be energizing if you get over the initial reaction of being cold.
That listening to your instincts is empowering
That words come out better when you think before you speak as opposed to the other way around
That confidence is everything
That hearing what you already know from a stranger is more useful sometimes than hearing it from your best friend.

titleless

Its not right this life I know
Its not fair you had to go
Its not easy without you here
Every moment, more dauntingly clear
Nothing will change
You wont come back
They'll forget the final act
My heart is heavy
Tears like streams
Haunt my every
Waking dream
Tears in buckets
Fits of rage
Raw emotion
Melt my age
I pass time
like im not here
I have longings
wicked fears

06/09 kc

Empty

Tick Tock goes the clock
Won't you steal a piece of me?
I can't give you what you want
There isn't anything left you see
Shattered
Broken
Beaten down
Angels sing let go of your frown
How to love you?
I dont know
How you'll leave me
I can almost see you go
Tick Tock goes the clock
Won't you give me a piece of you?
Make me whole
Make me complete
Make me want to see this through

summer 2009 kc

Peaceful Sleep

Where do I go
When I sleep
To a land beyond
These city streets
To another realm
Where spirits lie
To the one beyond
Where no one cries
I rise in peace
In utter awe
I scratch my head
As if I've a flaw
An absence of war inside my head
An absence of fear
The devil has fled
Do I go to you
Do you come to me
Are you with me now
What's next to see

Summer 09 kc

In Another Realm

In another realm
Where spirits roam
In summer rain
You have found your home
In broken dreams
A mother screams
And waves goodbye
I wait for you to find me
When it comes clear
There’s another sphere
Where spirits roam
I look for you
Waves will break
And hearts will ache
And grievers wait
For peace to find them
That’s when I see
An orange sun
Suddenly I’m blinded
Where are you
For it is clear
And I thank you dear
Because I know you’ve found me
And it is sun
My only hope
For all I’ll soak
I’ve found you

Absence

Your absense is definite
There is no need for signs
I don't believe them today
Not a glimmer of hope
There is no need to fight reality
Delusions are unnecessary
Time wont heal absence
It won't return you from Kingdom Come
It will not lesson the pang I feel when I utter the word
I am unguided
I walk alone
Not even your heart feigns signficance to me now
Simple, I don't know
Everything motion has a price
Or perhaps nothing has a price at all
What did I see in your eyes just now
Did your laugh mean more than what I thought
My next step is my only next move
My thoughts of past, present and future, interwined
Every word haunts
Every memory evokes tears
Perhaps its better to not feel
And so I am silent
Peace and torture
Peace and torture
Balance
Ease me

09/09/09 kc

Fly

In silence
I take flight
Swarming in my mind
Thoughts of you
This world unkind
My heart lay open
My soul on fire
Uneasy breathing
Eyes gone wild
Vivid is my mind
Weakened are my bones
Hopeful in my meloncholy
Wishful to feel at home
Soaring through the sky
I see a familiar bird
My quiet is awakened
Tears form in my eyes
I feel again
the familiar sadness
But I feel again
raw
not devoid

10/12/09 kc

Strength is this

With every loss
There is a gain
Every tear
Is not in vain
Something learned
Reason to ponder
I hold my thoughts
Your memory fonder
I treasure you
And have no fear
To move ahead
I must adhere
To life's purpose
Hope essential
Faith devout
Prayers are answered
Laughter sprouts
Forever through
This worlds tragedies
And in between
My brothers flame
Will conquer rain
kc 3 27 09

no more sorries

Hold the mirror
to your face
what you see
you can not replace
same as this
I ask you dear
don't beg for mercy
there is none here
I've got none to spare
You've got nothing to hide
You're all alone
In your made up demise
Wipe the handle of that blade
Put it down
Stop placing blame
Find a replacement
For your tears
Life it isn’t waiting dear

Jan 09 kc

Dripping Daisies

Dripping Daisies
Pretty Face
Tears Streaming
Lightning Pace

Burning Rage
Inside Out
Red Hot Thunder
Flaming Spout

Cloudy Waters
Welling Storms
Leaves Are Heavy
Puddles Form

Dripping Daisies
Fell From Grace
Hope Will Help Me
Keep My Face

2007

Leave

Just when I got used to
Having you around
You up and leave
Smile to frown
Same old story
Happens again
Comfortably happy
Begins then ends
Shaken and stirred
Mixed and mashed
I have to start over
Let go of my past
Watch you leave
Tears stream down
I’m happy for you But not for my frown
Will I see you again?
In some other place
Will we still remain?
As close as this space
Guess we will
I trust in us
I bid you farewell
Airplanes cause dust

2007

One whole year

One whole year
Still I wonder
Where you’ve been
Where’s your thunder
Not coming back
I see that’s clear
One whole year
Oh my dear
The sun it shines
The moon it glows
I stare at the clouds
Hoping they show
Some kind of sign
Some bright path
That leads me to
Nature’s wrath
I’d fight the stars
I’d shove the sun
To get you back
For a little fun
One whole year
Still I wonder
Where you are
Where’s your thunder
Your light won’t fade
I want you back
But this year I won’t be afraid

for my father - September 2007

This is my past

Where do you go when you get quiet
Where do you go when you dont speak
If I sit here in your darkness
Is it your demons I hear in the creaks
Your softer side has left you
disdain upon your face
angry words you'll mutter
I wasn't made to keep this pace
Come out from your darkness
I am nothing without you
I can be your angel
let me see your eyes shine blue

I bid 2008 farewell

Its been a year of observance.. A year of travel.. A year of fun.. A year of setbacks and harsh realities... A year of moving forward waits for me.. A year to love myself more than I do because sometimes its hard to really love yourself.. true? I've seen it all and have felt more than I wanted to feel.. You push forward.. you smile.. you laugh and then you cry and through your tears you wonder where your joy went.. I've been as high as the moon and as low as this earths core it seems. Sometimes difficult to get up and all too easy to be pushed back down.

Oh do I sometimes miss the years of my life that mattered nothing because I had my entire life ahead of me.. selfish was ok.. being all about me was acceptable.. and to an extent it still is but the choices I make define my life more so now than ever.

I fear I live in fear.. this statement is something I struggle with because I am not sure how accurate it is. Am I just more mature and understand what I want and don't want more or do I push good things away because I fear them. Let go? Life life to its fullest.. Fall for the man who is falling for you not for the one who dismisses you.. but how can i fall for something I am not 100% sure I want to fall for.. I wonder, am I fooling myself waiting and searching for butterflies and giggles? Or do I create those things.. I suppose we create our own harmony. We can choose happiness over pain.. We can choose to smile instead of frown but what if I want something I do not have.. how can I smile from ear to ear when I am not complete.

And so I go.. 2009 here I come.. a smile for sure.. a glimmer of hope.. to have and to hold