shared fate

my fathers sister died when he was six
my grandmother lost her first child
she blamed my father for her death
he had the measles first
they kept him from the funeral
said he was too young to attend
he knew she was too young to die
he told me about it over dinner once
i never knew my dad could cry
nor that one day I would share his fate
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
sad eyes
full of heartache
in his passion were his tears
in his love he had anger
he never did forgive the world
i know this now
i feel it now
as my anger builds
and my heartache becomes stronger
i recount his years
i understand who he was
why he was
sad eyes
full of heartache
entrenched in love, in passion and in laughter
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see his eyes in place of mine
who knew one day I would share his fate

trapped like a bug

a trapped bug in my room
its in a frenzy
as if its dying to get out
wonder if it would actually die to get out
but then it would die in the place it tried to leave
why not just make due
find a corner and call it home
wonder what i would do to get out
wonder if i want to
sometimes i think i would do just about anything
other times i could never consider leaving
trapped in my room
in a frenzy
as if im dying to get out
what would i do
do i just make due
have i
have you

a clairvoyant once told me

Once I visited a clairvoyant
he told me you would never marry
this struck me as odd but not unbelievable
so i told you about it
you said 'really?'
I hear you saying it now
i think it struck you as odd also
I wonder how it made you feel
did it make you contemplate your life
did you think about it in the months before you died
how about the day you found the beautiful wooden cross outside of creamers apartment
or afterwards when you wore it to bed and drempt of Dad
Did you know then, George, that you were going to die?
That you wouldn't marry?
Is that why you went alone
to El Salvador
to the land of the divine savior
could you have known that was your passage
what drove you into the ocean that day
they told you not to go
did you see him
was there a light
did you see his arms in that wave
the one that carried you home

work in progress..but i love it so far

I guess i should thank you
for taking me here
my soul is on fire
im in hell inside out
raw with emotion
crushed wtih defeat
under water
i cant breathe
i rage at the thought of you
you've forced me to see
In blindness i've been living
eyes wide shut
you've ripped off my mask
everything is perfectly lit
you've forced me to see
all i've been hiding
pretending I'm at peace

I guess i should thank nyou
for taking me here
sadly however, i loathe you
you've abandoned me
my soul is on fire
i'm in hell inside out
under water
i cant breathe
im in hell inside out
for all i see

inches

an inch away
from you and me
an inch away
so i can breathe
for if we lose
that inch away
i'll be closer
not further away
but should i lose
your heart or mine
one more inch of pain i'll find
keep your distance
but keep me close
hold my gaze
my hand the most

it failed

why is it that the things i want to work out, dont
the minute i say i'm open, a door shuts in my face
has it all become so insignificant that i cant even play?
or do i play too hard?

Why is it that i decided to love you
and you left me like a lie
the words you spoke
fell silent to the ground
like raindrops on a lake
beautiful until they disappear into the water
meant for greatness as they fall
to nothing when they take shape

why is it that when i decide to care
you stopped caring
what made you run?
the only picture i have of you is you walking away
moments of passion flash before my eyes
then quickly disappear
my subconscious carries them away
the disappointment too difficult to withstand
my mind knows this
for it knows me well

why is it that you left me?
do i really care?
or is it being here alone that i cant stand

running raw

running raw
my legs
my mind
i've got nothing to hide
i let go to run
if i stop, i mask it
the pain brings me closer to you

you are my pain
my love
my loss
associated
created
with you
by you

i need you to live
in this shape
its all i know
to live any other way would be a lie
life is full of lies
in strangers i meet
the false promise i receive
but in this love, this loss
is truth

it is honest
it is raw
it is the only love i know

a description of how this shall begin or end.. you judge

june ended in a circle.. a water bearer, a lion, a scorpian and a half horse thing who's legs should be chopped off.. the shark bit the lion.. the water bearer was out of air.. the scorpian exuded peace and trust and the horse ran for the hills.. a circle... one leg hanging over the edge..

a sad reality

the things that disappear are the things i've held so dear
hard to keep them close when losing them is all i fear
no happy medium
no resolution in sight
i walk away
i lose the fight
what i need closest to me
to rid my pain
i shun and swallow
i prefer tears to rain

i know this much is true

its fairly easy to be happy when i know clearly how bad sad feels..

457 Days

Sometimes I wish time would stop and i could live in this very moment.. sometimes because im so happy and having so much fun.. and other times i wish this because the more days that pass is one day longer than i havent seen you..

x marks the spot

I know with certainty that March 14th will come every year. I know with finality that my brother died on that date in 2009. I know he was doing what he loved. I know he drowned. I do not know if he suffered nor di I ever see him again after michaels wedding. if i did i dont remember.. help jog my memory. I texted him before he left and we laughed about cortizone cream.. I wished him well. He texted Michael a song they shared when they surfed together. I do not know what crossed his mind as he died.. before he died.. after he died

one year without george march 13 2010

I thought for sure I would have something profound to say. A way of expressing how I feel one year after George's tragic death but, the conclusion I've come to as to why I do not is fairly simple. The feeling of loss of someone so special, my brother, is better left suppressed and unfelt. I try sometimes to allow the pain to set in but its just too much. I can not express the pain. The loss of him in my life. the loss of his life and his future. The lack of children to carry on his name. The lack of wife to cherish. The success he was forming.. taken.. Those few things only begin to express the loss of George. I have few memories in my head that I play back over and over. Sometimes they make me laugh until I cry and other times they strike a pain so deep beacause I want more. Call me selfish but I want more of George. He should have more of us. I imagine he does since that is all i have left.. my imagination.. brother..

Lifes Essential

Until I learn to walk alone
Make a place to call my home
Feed my soul with all thats good
I can not love you like I should

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

In times of need I must stand tall
Until I learn to feed my soul
With seeds of grace
At a healthy pace

My heart must beat in steady step
Wild hunger must be kept in check

honest in april

I can not tell you what I wouldn't do
But I can tell you what I havent done
And one thing is for sure
I can not rid the frightening images in my head
I will tell you all the things I've still left to do
But not the events I choose to hide
The numbness I hold on to
And the fear I've left behind
I can tell you what I've never seen
I can tell you why I can not hide
But that my friends would be a blasphemous lie
I contradict my every word
For I have fear that blinds my eyes
But I can still feel joy
I even laugh until I cry
The world is my engagement
Strangers keep me sane
My family I hold on to
By breath is not in vain

The End of an era
My unsettled heart
The wonder
The pleasure
The forgotten start
Forever my never
Your unwielding cry
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye
The end of a romance
The bitter heart aches
Forever my never
I must wave goodbye

Polite Chatter

When you look at me
Am I what you see?
Or a situation that you've painted
When you ask me why
My tears are dry
Do you wonder what's inside me
When you see the puzzle that is my skin
Do you wonder what might have caused it
If you had to paint a somber tale
What color would you work with
Would you paint it grey
For red would fade
Or orange
Will it no longer work for you?
That simple song
You heard today
Do you wonder why he wrote it
Ask yourself
Do you really care
Because that blank stare
When I start share
I wonder if you see me

I found this in my word docs.. i read it and shuddered

Masked by my pain
Little, tiny and white
With a swallow, a bite
Cover me with porcelain
Hide my brittle face
Closer than the obstacle
Blue won't be disgraced

I know this much is true

That sadly, you have to lose something to learn something
That as much time that passes, the memory of someone loved never fades
That the pain never really goes away, you just get used to it
To have faith in a higher power is comforting, even enlightening but, sometimes it feels useless and silly
That the smell of fresh air brings a smile to my face and briskness, early in the morning, can be energizing if you get over the initial reaction of being cold.
That listening to your instincts is empowering
That words come out better when you think before you speak as opposed to the other way around
That confidence is everything
That hearing what you already know from a stranger is more useful sometimes than hearing it from your best friend.

titleless

Its not right this life I know
Its not fair you had to go
Its not easy without you here
Every moment, more dauntingly clear
Nothing will change
You wont come back
They'll forget the final act
My heart is heavy
Tears like streams
Haunt my every
Waking dream
Tears in buckets
Fits of rage
Raw emotion
Melt my age
I pass time
like im not here
I have longings
wicked fears

06/09 kc