do you realize

life will begin when you let it...
thats what they say

bear my cross

I come to you with this cross, and I say "bear it with me." Otherwise, tell me how and when I can disappear from here without a trace. It's becoming too much. The anger.. the sadness.. the repetition of the two. I'm overwhelmed. Let's not mention their pain.. their anger.. their need of me. Quite frankly, my ears have banished me.. My voice went missing and my eyes don't see much past my nose. So here I am with this cross and I ask you to bear it with me. Do you understand my need? Do you have the time? Can the dancing commence. I'm tired.. Remember when we laughed all day and searched for answers. Now it seems the questions are answered but they've lost their meaning. I have this cross, can you bear it with me?

endings shouldnt be thought up in the beginning

I wrote a story and I named it 'you'
i conjoured up the end right from the beginning
and made up the start when i finished the conclusion
the middle was filled with love and hope and all things blue
but i sabotaged it all from the start with the end
isn't that how you always worked it out, i remind myself
again and again
hope floats until you sink it
orchids grow until you burn the seeds

cross culture

In another world of which I am only familiar through my imagination, lives a mind and soul I have often wished I'd align with like that winter day some time ago..

truth

two steps back
a lifetime forward

adieu

I closed my eyes and thought hard about what you didn’t say
Or what it is I thought I wanted to hear
Until I realized I had heard it all before
There were no words left to speak
The conclusion was evident in my mind and abundantly clear in my heart
I contemplated opening up for the sake of opening up
Rehashing the past for a moment or for 3 more years
Until I remembered who I was and where my loyatly lied
lied being the operative word for so long
but my loyalty now was with me
and my heart was on my sleeve
both where they belonged
Always now, with me
Adieu

subtle reminders

sometimes i have to remind myself who you are
when my eyes are shut and in your embrace
when i'm lost in thought and i hear your voice
startled to know delusion creates mystery in my own head
in my own thoughts
sometimes i have to remind myself who you are
when our lips are close and our bodies are intertwined
just in case i forgot

i listen to your words and recount my own memories
you feel things most dont
and make sense of time and pour your feelings on paper
and your view into a tiny box of light
when you smile your eyes light up
and when you whisper to me in a crowded room
everything makes sense regardless of whether I've heard you or not

life before death

life before death
so different than this indeed
you were here and I was someone else
but we all existed
where you are now I can only imagine
and who I've become I finally understand

poetry

my hands draw words that pour from my heart into space to reveal my minds wishes and wonders.. my soul is aligned within a realm only i understand..often i contemplate how and if i move you

i am where i belong

I doze in thoughts of you and wake to the sound of your voice. I visualize a world i have never seen, never known.. perhaps never to.. I wonder how it will be.. words like hope and faith keep me in the clouds only until reality pulls me to the ground and stomps on my head. In the distance I see a bright familiarity but it fades in and out. When i shut my eyes i see mountains and green trees.. i see two chairs rocking and sounds of wind.. i hear voices of small things .. little things.. children i presume and their laughter resonates in my space.. i shudder and wonder.. i wait in space .. my space and i am alone in thoughts and dreams and in angst at times, peace at others.. i repeat my mantra.. i am where i belong.. my destiny will come to be when the time is right.. or perhaps this is it.. this is where i will die and those around me with say 'this was her destiny' to be alone in dreams.. in space.. in her time.. in the meantime, i wait and i hope and i dream for the beginning and for the end and for everything in between

darkness transforms

In lightness I am blind with fear
In darkness I see hope
clearer than the cleanest glass
Dreamlike and silent
Intertwinded, I am spellbound
Remove the devil from within my skin and bring flames to my flesh
shed my tears until the ocean is all I hear and the sky is covered in blue and stars become my eyes
drive the devil to his death, rid my soul of his hold
cure my pain
In lightness I am blind with fear
In darkness I see hope
Dreamlike and quiet you uninhibit me
Far beyond these walls I see shadows of light
create images of hope and the ocean is all i hear
the sky is covered in blue
my soul is free and i move with you in symetry

liars and thieves

Remember when we first met?
Nothing could tear us apart
but soon, i learned I didnt know how to be myself around you
and you weren't yourself around me
I lied and you stole and you tensed when I spoke
and when i cried you retreated
when i laughed you mocked me
Remember when we first met?
Nothing could tear us apart
Keep the drive alive you sang over and over
I picked out our linens
You introduced me to all your friends
But when I tensed you retreated
and when I lied you stole
and I cried and you mocked
and for a long time we lived in silence
until that day I left
I still remember the day we met
My gut told me to run
but stayed and eventually I made you cry

what is enough

For the moment all I have to give are words. Do they resonate your being and keep your faith alive or will they fall to the floor like drops of tears streaming from my cheeks. Who started the war between our hearts and virtue. Who broke the barrier between being and survival of separation. Who dared awaken the dragon and released him from his cage.

I am in the den of a lion. I tread in waters too deep to stand. For the moment all I have to give are words. Will my love fall short on deaf ears. You are surrounded by desire. Miles and miles away I ponder and pray they will leave you be. I silently beg for you to wait. In my kitchen of noise, my breath fails me, too deep in thought to understand my fear. Take me back, I scream inside, to the beginning or banish me from my fate. Amidst my longing and my pain I see my three little wishes and yet I can not stop my quest. To be or not to be. Who will get what they need and who will suffer at my hand. Still, I beg, please don't go . Stay and wait.. I have so much to give

I am scathed and I am bruised and the fight has only just begun. For the moment all I have to give are words. Will you hear them or will you let them disappear into the wind. Don't lose my gaze. I have so much to give. If only it was yesterday before I gathered up my three little wishes but, for now they will never leave me and it is me who can not leave them. For the moment all I have to give are words. Do they resonate your being and keep your faith alive or will they fall to the floor like drops of tears streaming from my cheeks.

Cycle of Broken Dreams

Lifes got a weird way of going on when all you want it to do is stop for a moment so you can gather your thoughts.. To remember what it was like when things weren’t the way they are now. The way you expected them to be.. the way you wanted them to be but didn’t realize it until they weren’t any longer. When everything fit together like a puzzle and breathing was easy..But times do change and people leave.. involuntary.. sometimes of their own free will.. disappear into the world of the unknown.. or just disappear.. things change..simple as that.. and life goes on and we reflect.. but reflection causes pain and not thinking causes nothing.. nothing equals empty.. but what’s wrong with being empty anyway.. what’s wrong with nothing.. who says we have to have ties? Why? Why hold on to things that change.. what happens now won’t change what happened then.. and then is just a memory.. And we remember and we cry and we hope for peace in our souls. A cycle of broken dreams..

Back to what it was

I watched it close, the flower that is. Little by little the drops of water from the rain disappeared into its core. And the once blooming bud slowly shut. The lightness which had become its center was swallowed up by its shell.. seemingly never to return. That’s what it looked like anyway. The deep redness we saw to be its color as a bud took shape once again, but this time the red was darker and wilted at its edges. brown and shriveled.. looking sad and alone.. I tried to imagine how it felt. To have become something so wildly beautiful, to have blossomed, to have taken a new, more mature shape. Hopeful and imaginative, seeing its future in a whole new light. This metamorphosis into adulthood and then, just like that, to digress back to what it was before, lost and small. But was I wrong? Had it happened overnight or is that how it felt.. was the transition to and from equal in time. Could it have been? What did it matter, it was over.. it was back to what it was.. I wondered how long its memory would hold its last state or if it would quickly trick itself back to before it knew grandeur and happiness, when it was full. I couldn’t imagine this happening to me. I didn’t want to imagine it but sadly the more I thought about it and the more I did the math, the more I realized I was there myself. I had blossomed. I had taken a glorious shape. I was part of it all and then just like that I was gone.. back to where I was before. The worst part of it all was that you were gone too. The dream of you, that was gone. And the answers to my questions were drops of rain on this page. I wiped my tears on my sleeve and I tried to listen closely to the background noise but I couldn’t hear a thing. The music was gone. You were gone, we were gone, I was gone. All that was left was the color red like a letter. So I did what I knew best, I sat alone in my place and I wrote this song.. waiting for the memories to fade

soul mate

I imagined it would happen in this way. A crowded room full of friends and strangers alike. Mingling words, unobservant of their meaning. Entranced by my thoughts, my chimerical mind recounting moments that sped my heart to its limits. Harmoniously unaware of worlds colliding around me tonight, I stare blankly at the creaking lacquered floors beneath my leather bound soles. Wonderously, I foreshadow my next dream. My presense here only in body. The physical distance between us substantiated this reality quite often. However, now I am awakened by a cold breeze against my shoulder. I shudder but feel warm. As if my broekn soul is on the mend. I look up and for a second am blinded. My dream before me. Our eyes meet and my heart stops. The lights above flicker. A smile covers my face. I walk towards you. Your embrace I feel next. Together now, was if we've never been apart.

The way it was

My clarity as to how it began is a bit uncertain. Too absorbed by the emotion to clearly understand its intensity. How friendship became intrigue and intrigue flipped a switch creating an open road of honesty and hope or how hope stole love and left us desperately in need of each other. How fluidity began a melody so serene and charismatic that obsession and temptation ate an entire orchard of budding apples leaving only our core. A rawness of discovery so deep and natural that to back away from it now would be punishably just in the world of eroticism. In a fervor similar to a needle penetrating ink deep beneath our skin in a color of the deepest black and blue and red causing damage immeasurable beyond repair.

I wait for you to find me again and again. The story continues over and over and I hope and pray it never ends. The repetition of words does not sour. They do not stray. Words do not fall short at their ends or disappear. They become stronger and brighter and more beautiful. They flow, they walk, they run to me, to you. Through the air and in the sky, clouds breathe this matter across ponds and tunnels and space. My words flow on this page and I cannot stop. I am illuminated and overbearing in my own thoughts. I am frightened by the power over me. You hear me, I know. You see me, I know... You and i are one, I know..

Long After The Separation

Do you think we'll forget, long after the separation that our hearts no longer belong to us. Long after you've returned to where it is you came from, do you think you'll remember that my heart still lives inside you and yours in mine. When either skips a beat, think we'll understand it is the shortness of breath across a world of someone silently losing life. Silently dying of a broken heart. Do you think we'll forget what love feels like, that an expression can be magnified by trust and understanding. Do you think we'll forget the pleasure we once created through embrace, through shed skin. How your core enticed me, your words illuminated me, your mind captured me and your eyes released me into our world, our freedom, ourselves to a place where we moved in ryhthm of my water and your air and fire didn't stand a chance. Think we'll forget that distance didn't severe us, circumstance did. do you think we'll forget that we can never love this way again before all hope is devoured or that we can never be free without each other, shackled by time, jaded by decisions. Do you think we'll forget each other one day..long after the separation.

the abandoners

The abandoners

What happened to us isn’t right
The way we just disappeared
One so soon after the other
It isn’t fair that a family of five can be three just like that
Or that I’m supposed to erase the emergency contact from my passport
The instruction was to use pencil
Now I know why
So I crossed out his number and I wrote ocean and next to that I wrote go fish
He is in the ocean after all
I use the words involuntary abandonment when I describe myself to myself at my weakest moments
They didn’t ask to leave me
They just did
It wasn’t their will to die
But they died
Their joint tombstone should read ‘abandoners’
Of daughter, of sister, mother, brother and friend
Do my words sound harsh
They ought to
This is me encased in self pity
Why should I suffer?
I suppose my tombstone should read ‘unwilling to believe in death'
Couldn’t accept the fact that they left her to she drowned herself in her own self pity
Sometimes I feel better than you
Because my pain is bigger than yours
I mock you in these moments and I feel special
But I know I am not special
The world is death
It is life and it is death
And all the world dies
In rage and in anger it falls aways
Sometimes in peace and hope
But new blood always blooms
When my self pity disappears I feel lucky
For peace was your ending
But still, in my world, no one dies
In my bubble of dreams we are all safe from the sky
I wish you hadn’t popped my bubble
Remind me not to thank you… Ever
Even after I remove the forks from my eyes and return to a state of understanding , I will still have no regard for you at all because what happened to us, isn’t right
The way we just disappeared
Because in my world, no one dies, in my bubble of dreams we are all safe from the sky and this, this is all just one big, fat lie.